Letting it out

This past week has been a real whirlwind of emotions for me. A week ago I came back from our annual charity camp where we spend a week with many families of children with special needs centred around our fun day on the saturday. I think alot of my emotions are to do with the fact I spend so much of my time preparing for the day and then its gone and I am left with "did it go ok?". We start planning in January. We have a team of people who help source facilities and activities. Towards the end of July my house looks like a jumble sale full of boxes and stuff from the loft and I love it. The weeks before I don't sleep because I am anxious. The week of I wear out the grass between my tent, the marquee and the area where new campers arrive. The day of I rise early to prepare, a bag of nerves and adrenalin. The day always goes well. This year in particular I think it shone (even though the rain made a slight appearance at lunchtime). The team rallied round. The kids had fun. The adults had some pampering and opportunity to check out some wares. Everyone has fun bar a few wasps and I am glad.

and then its done. For another year. (except the clearing up and the exhaustion of course!)

and then my feelings take over. This year big time. People perceive me to be this strong, outgoing person who is able to stand up in front a of a big crowd and speak. Makes me brave right? No.

Every single day I wonder how I am being perceived. Am I filling a suitable role? Am I boring? I will sit here and hope someone finds me interesting. I can't be that social butterfly because inside I feel I am not. Give me a couple of glasses of wine and out that fun person pops. But before that I worry...just worry. Is that person whispering about me? Does she/he really care about me? Am I just an organiser? Will it matter if I am not here?

and then my daughter. She completely turned around this year. From the child who sits in the background, she showed her real self. The self I see at home. Her fantastic humour and her laughter and it made me so proud of her. She did better than me this year. For that I am glad.

and I am supposed to be pleased by the fact she has a crush on a friends teenage son. But all I can think of is it will never be and then those dreams for her get a little more crushed. I want to be happy for her but I don't want her to be hurt either by wanting things she cannot have. But then I suppose thats life right? Disabilities or not?

By the end of the week I feel battered by my emotions. I cannot tell whether I have had a good week or not. The "I am not worthy" feelings take over time and time again. Am worried about everyone else and whether they were ok. No matter how much I tell myself I cannot control their feelings or ensure they have a 100% good time.

and I get home and these feelings really take over. I have been feeling very down about it. Only a previously planned trip to a friends has helped. Hours of talking through all these feelings has given me some hope and some ways to perhaps deal with them a bit. Thank you.

and then....

Yesterday I get a text from my M. He is in hospital, had an accident on his motorbike. Text?! Yes. Then I am in floods of tears because I cannot get to him because I am alone with B and I cannot take her to A&E. I am stuck with no carers available. A friend saves the day (but still I have massive feelings of guilt about that...???) and I am able to go see. I arrive and he is not in his cubicle..He is having a scan they say...what kind of scan??? He returns, all is well. He is not badly injured...doctor returns and advises not the case, he has suffered a tear that may need repairing. and so it goes on. By 6pm they advise they will monitor overnight instead. He gets grumpy about staying at home, telling me I should have fought his corner about going home. I try to sweep away those feelings of hurt and think its ok.

But it isnt. I could have lost him. I kept in my tears because I always have to be the strong one. The one who appears ok. Who doesnt need that cuddle or doesnt need that reassurance. But I do. He went head on into a large jeep and went over the bonnet. He is VERY lucky. I could have lost him. I didn't. But I am allowed to feel...

I go home and B is beside herself because I have been away all day and she is worried about her dad. I have got her into the hospice because I have no clue what is happening with M and she dissolves into hysterical crying about that. I want to comfort her but I also want to say I CANT COPE WITH THIS, please just be ok or I will burst. I tell her I just need her to be grown up about it and I need her help and she calms. I feel so much guilt when it comes to her. I can never do enough or do it right.

So what's the point of all this? I am not ok. I cannot just switch off. Inside I am battling with alot of emotions and feelings of inadequacies. I need to find coping techniques to deal with situations that scare or hurt me. Otherwise I just can't keep putting myself in those places..its too damaging. This isn't a pity party. This is me.

Perhaps this will help some who may feel similar. I don't know. But my friend's advice:"Rationalise. What is the worst that could happen. Which choice of action would give you the better feeling - for you.....".....just need to keep remembering that.