Life

oooo i could cry or i could laugh...I just typed my heart out and then decided to copy it in case I lost it..when i did that...i lost it...so should I cry? no perhaps i will try again

Life is supposed to be about joy..about discovery..about challenges...about finding the strength to cope with all the things that do challenge you. The challenge is life...and life is supposed to be treasured.....

Well I do treasure my life but I don't treasure my challenges...i think Life is challenging me right now...or maybe its just my brain...the turmoil inside and the inability to rationalise those turmoils....

Isn't it about strength? outwardly people think I am strong...they are so wrong. I struggle so much with what people think of me...sometimes I am a target and I don't know how to fight back...Right now I am struggling with a few things that just are in danger of breaking me..

Can you associate? Can you? Do you love your child so much that it hurts? I love my child...I am grieving for what should have been and what is. At the same time I admire her ability to carry on whilst hurt for her fears....then I am at a push pull junction....I love her so much...but I resent her too...Her inability to cope with her emotions so that I cannot treat her as a normal teenager..any small reprimand becomes a melodrama and the guilt I feel is immense...her need for me to care...her reliance on me as her main carer....my need to make sure she is ok so much as switching off is just a dream...my anger at life's hurts....the person who parks in a disabled spot, the person who gives me a hard time, the love I miss from others who maybe dont feel I need it..the empty cat bowl when i get home from a 12 hour shift...the washing still on the floor...the dirty pads in her bathroom when i have been away for a couple of days.. Why don't they know how it makes it harder? Why????

Someone I know said they wished their son was able to get up, go to school on his own etc etc...I wish too...I wish simple things like B being able to wear her hair down without it getting stuck in her mouth and food when she eats...I would like her to be able to express herself...shout at me with words that make sense..to be able to answer my questions with a full sentance..to say exactly what is bothering her in words rather than in tears.

how can i feel normal? why should I? i feel selfish sometimes...what my friends go through/are going through...u feel unique in what you feel but i know that others struggle as much as i do sometimes. But then I feel - what gives me the right to feel so bad and to voice it when others are going through harder times or have lost loved ones. Hey at least she can talk huh? At least she can do some things (or alot of things....if you want to compare) and how grateful should I be..

well I am not grateful at all...

There is something wrong inside my head..I know there is...I live in a continuous swirl of fuzziness... I turn to food...i turn to a glass or two of wine. I try and hide and it isn't working...I love to give but I find it so hard to take back. I want things that I cannot have and then not sure if it would be a good idea anyway...

I want to say thank you to my friends and family who put up with me and my swings.....and especially to R who recently had to deal with the worst day of my life for a while.

I have had to take some time out because too much has been demanding my sanity and it isnt there right now...I may smile outwardly to you but inside I am flat and hurting. If I owe you a mail/call, please forgive me..