It's been a while

So the fact I haven't blogged in over a week may give you an indication of the fact, things have been a bit hectic and also a bit overwhelming. My B is on school holiday and I am not so have been mixing care with the odd hour here or there with her. Not very good but not alot I can do about it. She went to the hospice Sunday night til Wednesday morning. I went after university on Tuesday to spend the night with her. We had a really lovely evening. Chilled out, watched the Lion King whilst munching crisps.

Wednesday it kinda all went to pot for me. I had a crying day. I cried during a back massage given by the hospice complimentary therapist when she said relax and close your eyes and things just flew at me in my head. I cried during my counselling session after with the hospice counsellor. In fact I sobbed the whole way through that one. I cried in the afternoon during a visit from a charity to see whether they will help fund B's expensive wheelchair (why does it feel that we work hard and have worked hard, and that they have to know the ins and outs of my knicker drawer to get her something she needs!) and then I cried in the evening during a meeting that M and I attended.

Today I cried during a lecture at uni when I found out that in some countries and cultures, they leave a baby alone to die if it is disabled (and even in some cases, purely if its a girl). How awful is that. that poor child left on its own to die slowly? Surely not. My reaction took me by surprise let alone my friends. But I couldn't help it, I just sobbed for the injustice of it.

and to be honest I am just shutting myself away and hiding from everyone. I cannot handle pretending I am fine when I am not and in many ways other people's issues right now. Not because I do not care. Not at all, I hope those that know me , know this. I just cannot admit some of the stuff going on right now because it will make it too much of a reality. I don't understand myself half the time, let alone expecting others to understand me. I am grappling with some stuff that really is testing my sanity. That's all I can say. Sorry if that sounds dramatic. It's not mean't to be. Actually I shouldn't apologise. It seems I do that too much. I am allowed to have feelings. I have alot on my plate right now. That is ok for me to admit. Right?

I just would like to feel in control of those feelings sometimes.

Steps being taken, things have to change. I know.

Love to all

p.s. I just came back here to edit because it feels so self-indulgent writing what I did. But I should leave it really. My counsellor says no-one will know how I feel if I don't say. So, consider it said, I suppose, in summary version anyway.