From girl to woman

When my daughter turn from this?

to this?

I don't remember the transition. Did I wake up one day and suddenly she was so grown up, so beautiful? Or was she always so beautiful but I was so centred on her disabilities and changes that I couldn't see it? Did I miss the what felt like sudden change from sullen, frustrated 9 year old to placid, happy 11 year old? To a funny 14 year old?

When she was little for many years, she showed "character" (so much as I had to leave the house several times to keep calm). Not always negative but enough to challenge the sanest person. At times she would make me laugh so hard though that we would collapse in a wobbly heap on the floor as she lost her balance and I lost my footing trying to catch her. Those days were both hard and something to treasure.

Today she is nearly a woman. Her body, her face, her smile say one thing. Her body, her face, her smile say another. As in, behind that beauty is an immaturity that is often hidden. A courage that shows its face sometimes and hides away another.

This is why I worry. I worry about the proposal she should go to college with her classmates next year. A year earlier. This is why when today we spent many hours on an assessment day at the college, I cried a few tears when asked how I really feel about her going. How I fear the mismatch of her care versus independence and I guess....the fear she will no longer need me.

I am not ready to let her go but most importantly I cannot see a day when she will not need me. To what level she will I guess we will find out.

It's just hard to say goodbye to her childhood.....always my baby