Something has to give

Today I had a small panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt dizzy and faint. This was after I sat and poured my heart out to my friend and told her all the things that were making me feel bad right now. The attack caught me by surprise and it came after I voiced some fears...fears that have lived with me for nearly 15 years and drain my emotional cup all the time. The fear of the future takes my breath away...literally....it just tears at my heart so badly...at the what if's, the how will's...I don't mean to be negative but its so painful sometimes.

I talked about how I feel like I am in demand all the time from so many different angles, how I give myself too freely and how I reach for solace in a way that perhaps I shouldn't.

She told me that I do not give myself reward. That I do and do and do. My solace is my reward but it is not a reward that is good for me. She told me it is ok to let it be for now. To let myself have that reward until I am at a point I am stronger to deal with it.

I don't mean to be cryptic but I can't share fully. It is too painful. sorry.

Something has to give. I like to give, its not in my nature to be selfish (define that) but I am damaging myself with worry and anxiety because of it.

I am such a non-judgemental person but I am struggling with something where i work....especially since today we found out that another one of our special kids passed away....from a progressive disease...he was six years old. {{}} to them all....

Something has to give cos I just can't take it.