Today I am thinking music....

for our wedding. It seems you need music for

Background whilst guests arrive
When the bridesmaids and parents arrive
When the bride arrives
During signing of the register
When the procession leaves
During drinks
During reception
and then all night long.......

For my arrival, a few weeks ago I came across a busker in Kingston town centre who was playing his violin. The music he was playing was beautiful but I have no idea what it is and I cannot find it. Some of the music is so beautiful though that it makes me cry just listening to it. I told Martijn today that I will need extreme waterproof mascara that day......and he is having to listen to lots of different sound clips....sometimes his face says it all....NO!......sometimes he has a slight wistful look...so maybe thats a maybe....

So I am trailing through itunes, google and youtube trying to find the right pieces.....and I am loving it....

We booked our wedding photographer today.....and I allowed myself some feelings of excitement.....this is happening...it really is..

I cant wait to share our day with the people we love...because they know how much this day means to us..

Something has to give

Today I had a small panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt dizzy and faint. This was after I sat and poured my heart out to my friend and told her all the things that were making me feel bad right now. The attack caught me by surprise and it came after I voiced some fears...fears that have lived with me for nearly 15 years and drain my emotional cup all the time. The fear of the future takes my breath away...literally....it just tears at my heart so badly...at the what if's, the how will's...I don't mean to be negative but its so painful sometimes.

I talked about how I feel like I am in demand all the time from so many different angles, how I give myself too freely and how I reach for solace in a way that perhaps I shouldn't.

She told me that I do not give myself reward. That I do and do and do. My solace is my reward but it is not a reward that is good for me. She told me it is ok to let it be for now. To let myself have that reward until I am at a point I am stronger to deal with it.

I don't mean to be cryptic but I can't share fully. It is too painful. sorry.

Something has to give. I like to give, its not in my nature to be selfish (define that) but I am damaging myself with worry and anxiety because of it.

I am such a non-judgemental person but I am struggling with something where i work....especially since today we found out that another one of our special kids passed away....from a progressive disease...he was six years old. {{}} to them all....

Something has to give cos I just can't take it.

My week, my feelings

tired
scared
anxious
paranoid
clumsy
down
angry
grumpy
did I say tired? scared? anxious? ..........

Fed up....of demands, of not being able to say no, of not having control over certain parts of my life, of having to shout for things I shouldn't have to, not being strong enough to shout louder at things that make me unhappy or to change it. Being scared of (some) people. Thinking about beautiful things that make me smile and sad at the same time.

Just really tired this week...of stuff that makes me tired mentally and/or physically. Tired of feeling like I am always looking over my shoulder

Say no more.....

From girl to woman

When my daughter turn from this?

to this?

I don't remember the transition. Did I wake up one day and suddenly she was so grown up, so beautiful? Or was she always so beautiful but I was so centred on her disabilities and changes that I couldn't see it? Did I miss the what felt like sudden change from sullen, frustrated 9 year old to placid, happy 11 year old? To a funny 14 year old?

When she was little for many years, she showed "character" (so much as I had to leave the house several times to keep calm). Not always negative but enough to challenge the sanest person. At times she would make me laugh so hard though that we would collapse in a wobbly heap on the floor as she lost her balance and I lost my footing trying to catch her. Those days were both hard and something to treasure.

Today she is nearly a woman. Her body, her face, her smile say one thing. Her body, her face, her smile say another. As in, behind that beauty is an immaturity that is often hidden. A courage that shows its face sometimes and hides away another.

This is why I worry. I worry about the proposal she should go to college with her classmates next year. A year earlier. This is why when today we spent many hours on an assessment day at the college, I cried a few tears when asked how I really feel about her going. How I fear the mismatch of her care versus independence and I guess....the fear she will no longer need me.

I am not ready to let her go but most importantly I cannot see a day when she will not need me. To what level she will I guess we will find out.

It's just hard to say goodbye to her childhood.....always my baby