Sunshine on a rainy day

and on friday I found out I had got a job on Sunshine Ward in Kingston Hospital. The job i wanted. General paeds involving shared care oncology, surgical, acute paeds, ambulatory care and chance to rotate to Children's A&E after six months if i want to...

yay

x

Worries

My little escape from worryland exercise I have been given isn't working very well right now but in case it helps others I will share!

The idea of this exercise is that it brings your mind back to the now. It takes alot of work..It isn't easy but its achievable apparently. One day it will become second nature, I am told.

So when you find your mind wandering down a dark road, start feeling.......not the man next to you (well you can if you want, if it works) but say the chair u are sitting in....feel and concentrate, think about the texture, what do you feel, can you feel the stitching...look around, what do you see, how many colours are there, what stands out. Move on to the next thing in the room/car/area....how different shades are there, what does your top feel like, have a silent conversation with yourself.

If you can sustain it, it can bring you back the now and even for a moment, it can distract you from dangerous or hurtful thoughts.

And whilst you are doing this, say you are in your van with your daughter, and you start to feel the emblem on the centre of your steering wheel where the horn is......your technique is working well, that is until your daughter notices you doing what you are doing and asks who you are about to beep at?!!!! Says alot for my driving doesn't it :)

Shoes......help me choooooooose.....and not jimmy chooooooooooo

I have always hated buying shoes....and now I'm faced with the challenge of choosing a shoe for my wedding.....one that is a) not too high cos Martijn isn't six feet tall b) is going to be comfy and c) isn't going to cost the earth cos as soon as you put the word "wedding" in front mega pounds apply.

I can't decide...i cant find any in the shops that aren't too high or too expensive so resorting to online. Paradox are reputable...found an online shop that is slightly cheaper and takes returns...so lets see what people think....

what do you reckon?

ok small heels.....
BLOOM

FEATHER

















MELLOW

















slightly higher heel - PRIMROSE


















Vote now!

Hope

Monday J has his surgery to replace his knee totally and the part of his tibia infected with tumour (about half his lower leg) with a titanum plate. He has just finished two cycles of chemotherapy and has tolerated it mostly well...today I find out he has sustained some damage to his heart from the chemo so has to be monitored regularly and hope it doesnt get worse. For the medical ones out there, I have deduced its probably the mitral valve in the left ventricle. MRI shows some abnormalities to the tip of the fibula too so it has spread..nodules in the lungs, more than before. Lets hope the chemo zaps them?, the doctors dont seem too concerned about them. Sometimes I wish I had more oncology knowledge..

and then they have said he wont be able to weight bear for 2-6 months as he will be minus a tendon in his knee for a while. There is some confusion on this and mixed messages but as he is so opposed to using a wheelchair, this is going to be a challenge.

its hitting everyone hard....emotions are high...

I hope his surgery goes well and this part of his journey can be started. Am going to visit next week when they are in Stanmore..am lucky I am not so far away that I can..not so easy for everyone else.

Love you J....
and love to my sis, G and C too xx

Blog

Have decided to make my blog more private...hence why you got an invite! Haven't got round to everyone yet.
x

Hello

Havent written for a while..a few reasons for that....
not sure will continue writing this blog tbh. I am finding alot of online stuff right now hard to stomach again for various reasons.

Next month I stand down as Chair and Trustee of my charity again for a few reasons. One minute its a good idea, the next its a big hurt in my tum. Letting go has been really hard for me even if if it is probably the best thing I can do right now.

Many many friends in need right now too...too many that just are hurting so much and life is throwing alot of crap at them (in some, almost literally!). I love them all so much and feel I can't do enough. My family are all sitting on the edge of my nephews recent cancer diagnosis with my sister and her family just about holding their heads above the emotional water line. Months of treatment to go. I hope that their close unit will keep them going.

My mini meltdowns seem to come and go. Every few months I seem to have a major panic attack and that sets me back. leading to weeks of depression. Before Easter was the worst. My ability to control the sudden doom and overwhelming feeling seems to be getting harder. It is so hard to explain how it feels. Although I have just started a Journey which I hope will help me be able to deal with negative situations and people in a way I can cope with. Sometimes just admitting it isn't ok is the first step. I have a friend who is constantly on the end of the line talking me through some bad stuff, her ears must hurt alot. Anyway I hope my Journey will allow me to find more positives out of my life and not take everything emotionally on board all the time. We will see.

So on the good side...wedding plans are going well. Mine and older bridesmaid dresses sorted. Invites on order...meeting with florist tomorrow and hopefully a photographer too (our first is unable to do it now). Nursing course is almost over..3 months of placement and then I am done. Job lined up already :) to start Sept. Beth is reasonably well. Waiting to hear if she will go to Treloar College this september.

Gosh a boring post! sorry...just thought i would say hi.