Hello

Havent written for a while..a few reasons for that....
not sure will continue writing this blog tbh. I am finding alot of online stuff right now hard to stomach again for various reasons.

Next month I stand down as Chair and Trustee of my charity again for a few reasons. One minute its a good idea, the next its a big hurt in my tum. Letting go has been really hard for me even if if it is probably the best thing I can do right now.

Many many friends in need right now too...too many that just are hurting so much and life is throwing alot of crap at them (in some, almost literally!). I love them all so much and feel I can't do enough. My family are all sitting on the edge of my nephews recent cancer diagnosis with my sister and her family just about holding their heads above the emotional water line. Months of treatment to go. I hope that their close unit will keep them going.

My mini meltdowns seem to come and go. Every few months I seem to have a major panic attack and that sets me back. leading to weeks of depression. Before Easter was the worst. My ability to control the sudden doom and overwhelming feeling seems to be getting harder. It is so hard to explain how it feels. Although I have just started a Journey which I hope will help me be able to deal with negative situations and people in a way I can cope with. Sometimes just admitting it isn't ok is the first step. I have a friend who is constantly on the end of the line talking me through some bad stuff, her ears must hurt alot. Anyway I hope my Journey will allow me to find more positives out of my life and not take everything emotionally on board all the time. We will see.

So on the good side...wedding plans are going well. Mine and older bridesmaid dresses sorted. Invites on order...meeting with florist tomorrow and hopefully a photographer too (our first is unable to do it now). Nursing course is almost over..3 months of placement and then I am done. Job lined up already :) to start Sept. Beth is reasonably well. Waiting to hear if she will go to Treloar College this september.

Gosh a boring post! sorry...just thought i would say hi.

B**gger

That is all.....................

Thinking of J

as he awaits the results of his tissue biopsy and bone scans to see how bad his cancer is and what the treatment will be.

Brave lad...got all your family and friends behind you
xxxx

Welcome to the next decade

2010 is a year of major change for our family. I become a children's nurse and need to get a job with it. B is probably starting Treloar college a year early meaning new "school" people and ways and worry for me. M and I are getting married :) Beside those three major things, there are other things that will be changing too. This year it's time I sorted myself out and face things I have been too scared to before. Much fear in the past, much thought has gone into what is needed, everyday. I need to sort out the old from the new. Too many good things in the future to be jeopardised by things that damage today. Things that I control and some I don't. It isn't going to be easy. I just hope I have the mental strength to get through it.

Happy New Year to my friends and family. I hope you all get the love, support and peace you all deserve..xx

Life

oooo i could cry or i could laugh...I just typed my heart out and then decided to copy it in case I lost it..when i did that...i lost it...so should I cry? no perhaps i will try again

Life is supposed to be about joy..about discovery..about challenges...about finding the strength to cope with all the things that do challenge you. The challenge is life...and life is supposed to be treasured.....

Well I do treasure my life but I don't treasure my challenges...i think Life is challenging me right now...or maybe its just my brain...the turmoil inside and the inability to rationalise those turmoils....

Isn't it about strength? outwardly people think I am strong...they are so wrong. I struggle so much with what people think of me...sometimes I am a target and I don't know how to fight back...Right now I am struggling with a few things that just are in danger of breaking me..

Can you associate? Can you? Do you love your child so much that it hurts? I love my child...I am grieving for what should have been and what is. At the same time I admire her ability to carry on whilst hurt for her fears....then I am at a push pull junction....I love her so much...but I resent her too...Her inability to cope with her emotions so that I cannot treat her as a normal teenager..any small reprimand becomes a melodrama and the guilt I feel is immense...her need for me to care...her reliance on me as her main carer....my need to make sure she is ok so much as switching off is just a dream...my anger at life's hurts....the person who parks in a disabled spot, the person who gives me a hard time, the love I miss from others who maybe dont feel I need it..the empty cat bowl when i get home from a 12 hour shift...the washing still on the floor...the dirty pads in her bathroom when i have been away for a couple of days.. Why don't they know how it makes it harder? Why????

Someone I know said they wished their son was able to get up, go to school on his own etc etc...I wish too...I wish simple things like B being able to wear her hair down without it getting stuck in her mouth and food when she eats...I would like her to be able to express herself...shout at me with words that make sense..to be able to answer my questions with a full sentance..to say exactly what is bothering her in words rather than in tears.

how can i feel normal? why should I? i feel selfish sometimes...what my friends go through/are going through...u feel unique in what you feel but i know that others struggle as much as i do sometimes. But then I feel - what gives me the right to feel so bad and to voice it when others are going through harder times or have lost loved ones. Hey at least she can talk huh? At least she can do some things (or alot of things....if you want to compare) and how grateful should I be..

well I am not grateful at all...

There is something wrong inside my head..I know there is...I live in a continuous swirl of fuzziness... I turn to food...i turn to a glass or two of wine. I try and hide and it isn't working...I love to give but I find it so hard to take back. I want things that I cannot have and then not sure if it would be a good idea anyway...

I want to say thank you to my friends and family who put up with me and my swings.....and especially to R who recently had to deal with the worst day of my life for a while.

I have had to take some time out because too much has been demanding my sanity and it isnt there right now...I may smile outwardly to you but inside I am flat and hurting. If I owe you a mail/call, please forgive me..

All I want for christmas

Dear Santa, here is my christmas list. I understand it may be a little difficult to fulfil all my wishes but if you are able to find a way to fulfil at least one, I (and my family) would really appreciate it.

For Christmas I would like.......
1) For someone to find a cure for my daughters devastating condition to keep her here for a long time and allow her to be self-sufficient in her adult life so she can have some independence
2) For my daughter to fall in love and have what other young girls experience, time and time again and for me to be able to pick up the pieces of a naturally broken heart if the need arises.
3) For the pain in my heart to be at a level that I really can manage and not feel like I am going to fall into a hundred pieces at every one of my daughter's appointment, negative development, birthday, milestone.
4) Some strength to stand up for myself when the going gets tough
5) To believe in myself and that I can't be everything I expect myself to be
6) To always be able to tell my friends that I love them so much and for them to know even if I cannot always tell them or be with them, I feel it in my heart so very very much.
7) A never ending pot of money for the never ending amount of equipment my daughter needs
8) Some help in making a decision on my nursing career that will be the right one
9) Please look after my friend's children. Some of them are so medically fragile and I love them so much.
10) To always keep my daughters face in the forefront of my mind when it feels so desperately hard to carry on.
10) and lastly, I would really really really like it if you could fix it so that my cat stops playing with the baubles on my christmas tree!!!!

Thank you in advance
x

Once you were little, and now you are 15

My gosh...... Happy Birthday my beautiful girl.

When you were little, you liked Tellytubbies and Disney. Now you like Twilight and X-Factor.

When you were little, you wouldnt wear patterns nor dresses. Now you love purple of any design.

When you were little, you drew me pictures. Today you print me images off the internet

When you were little, you loved to sing to Fun Song Factory. Now you sing to Westlife and the latest hits.

When you were little, you captured my heart. Today you still do.

I love you precious girl.