Letting it out

This past week has been a real whirlwind of emotions for me. A week ago I came back from our annual charity camp where we spend a week with many families of children with special needs centred around our fun day on the saturday. I think alot of my emotions are to do with the fact I spend so much of my time preparing for the day and then its gone and I am left with "did it go ok?". We start planning in January. We have a team of people who help source facilities and activities. Towards the end of July my house looks like a jumble sale full of boxes and stuff from the loft and I love it. The weeks before I don't sleep because I am anxious. The week of I wear out the grass between my tent, the marquee and the area where new campers arrive. The day of I rise early to prepare, a bag of nerves and adrenalin. The day always goes well. This year in particular I think it shone (even though the rain made a slight appearance at lunchtime). The team rallied round. The kids had fun. The adults had some pampering and opportunity to check out some wares. Everyone has fun bar a few wasps and I am glad.

and then its done. For another year. (except the clearing up and the exhaustion of course!)

and then my feelings take over. This year big time. People perceive me to be this strong, outgoing person who is able to stand up in front a of a big crowd and speak. Makes me brave right? No.

Every single day I wonder how I am being perceived. Am I filling a suitable role? Am I boring? I will sit here and hope someone finds me interesting. I can't be that social butterfly because inside I feel I am not. Give me a couple of glasses of wine and out that fun person pops. But before that I worry...just worry. Is that person whispering about me? Does she/he really care about me? Am I just an organiser? Will it matter if I am not here?

and then my daughter. She completely turned around this year. From the child who sits in the background, she showed her real self. The self I see at home. Her fantastic humour and her laughter and it made me so proud of her. She did better than me this year. For that I am glad.

and I am supposed to be pleased by the fact she has a crush on a friends teenage son. But all I can think of is it will never be and then those dreams for her get a little more crushed. I want to be happy for her but I don't want her to be hurt either by wanting things she cannot have. But then I suppose thats life right? Disabilities or not?

By the end of the week I feel battered by my emotions. I cannot tell whether I have had a good week or not. The "I am not worthy" feelings take over time and time again. Am worried about everyone else and whether they were ok. No matter how much I tell myself I cannot control their feelings or ensure they have a 100% good time.

and I get home and these feelings really take over. I have been feeling very down about it. Only a previously planned trip to a friends has helped. Hours of talking through all these feelings has given me some hope and some ways to perhaps deal with them a bit. Thank you.

and then....

Yesterday I get a text from my M. He is in hospital, had an accident on his motorbike. Text?! Yes. Then I am in floods of tears because I cannot get to him because I am alone with B and I cannot take her to A&E. I am stuck with no carers available. A friend saves the day (but still I have massive feelings of guilt about that...???) and I am able to go see. I arrive and he is not in his cubicle..He is having a scan they say...what kind of scan??? He returns, all is well. He is not badly injured...doctor returns and advises not the case, he has suffered a tear that may need repairing. and so it goes on. By 6pm they advise they will monitor overnight instead. He gets grumpy about staying at home, telling me I should have fought his corner about going home. I try to sweep away those feelings of hurt and think its ok.

But it isnt. I could have lost him. I kept in my tears because I always have to be the strong one. The one who appears ok. Who doesnt need that cuddle or doesnt need that reassurance. But I do. He went head on into a large jeep and went over the bonnet. He is VERY lucky. I could have lost him. I didn't. But I am allowed to feel...

I go home and B is beside herself because I have been away all day and she is worried about her dad. I have got her into the hospice because I have no clue what is happening with M and she dissolves into hysterical crying about that. I want to comfort her but I also want to say I CANT COPE WITH THIS, please just be ok or I will burst. I tell her I just need her to be grown up about it and I need her help and she calms. I feel so much guilt when it comes to her. I can never do enough or do it right.

So what's the point of all this? I am not ok. I cannot just switch off. Inside I am battling with alot of emotions and feelings of inadequacies. I need to find coping techniques to deal with situations that scare or hurt me. Otherwise I just can't keep putting myself in those places..its too damaging. This isn't a pity party. This is me.

Perhaps this will help some who may feel similar. I don't know. But my friend's advice:"Rationalise. What is the worst that could happen. Which choice of action would give you the better feeling - for you.....".....just need to keep remembering that.

July and August in a nutshell

I became 38. The second eldest.

I finished uni for my second year and in terms of all my exams and assignments and

I PASSED. Celebrated end of term by going to Thorpe Park with my uni friends.....we liked the water rides.

Beth started a youth play scheme for kids with disabilities and enjoyed it. She will now go one saturday a month.

I spent alot of time with this little girl

and did alot of preparation for our annual charity fun day

which was a big success.

and camped with old and new friends.

and having fun - day

and night.

and August isn't over yet.

Ironmo!

M, my other half, did the Ironman Switzerland last weekend. A very gruelling task that took a lot of training but he did it and I am hugely proud. M's parents were there to watch the event and took some video. The video can be watched at

www.abspmtiny.com/ironman09/ .

We are raising money for the children's hospice B goes to so if anyone would like to donate the link is www.justgiving.com/ironmanch

xx

Head Girl

Today elections took place. There wasn't mass media coverage. Polling stations weren't set up all around the country. Instead several students from a school for children with disabilities, all voted for the person they would like to be their head boy and girl.

My daughter came through our door this afternoon with a red badge on. It said "Head Girl". I screamed, cried and hugged.

She did it. She is Head Girl. For me, it makes me so proud. For her, its going to help her with her confidence in speaking to people she doesn't know and to have a place in Treloar History too.

Most of all, in mainstream its very unlikely she would have ever achieved this. Her serious response to my statement on "You will need to wear that all the time" was "What even in bed?" demonstrates her cognitive needs....but to us, it makes me laugh and weall know her little ways.

I often pine for things I think she may not have but she gives me so much to be proud of that those moments slip into the background and more importantly she should be absolutely so proud of herself. Well done B

We love you

xxx

Update on B

Just to let you know B is responding well to the anti-viral for Swine Flu. She has had no side effects and is ok so far.

Swine Flu

I have no idea why I am so remarkably calm about it since its at her school. Lots of people are panicking. I have a child who is vulnerable (chronic neurological conditions are part of the list and what happened at Christmas also is an indicator of how she finds it harder to fight these things) but I don't feel necessarily anxious. This isn't me! lol... B is now on Tamiflu, the antiviral, for prophylatic use as yesterday a member of her boarding house staff was confirmed as having swine flu. Personally I am glad she is having it because at least for the next 10 days she will be less at risk of getting the full blown version and then after that she will be at home. Of course, she may get it after but at least she will be with me.

In the meantime my thoughts are with those whose children I know who do have it and whose body systems will have a harder time fighting it. Keep strong xxxx

We made it

through the crap times, me and my man. Things are good. Looking forward, together now...

xxx