I realised earlier on why I have been feeling so blue. Firstly I spent many hours for months working towards the end of my first year as a student nurse but also on organising the annual event for Special Kids in the UK. It kept me busy and I liked it. After that, everything seemed to go back to some kind of reality that I just find hard to face. A slow period of time when all I could focus on was what was happening with my B, the new developments and the thought of her starting the new school year with a new boarding house, teachers, therapists etc. I haven't been able to face other's, as hard as that sounds and when my friends childrens get very ill, I feel such fear that I want to run away from it whilst at the same time being there for them too.
and then B went back a week ago, and I felt like I had been whacked with a hammer.
and still now, I feel so flat. Tonight I realised, I miss the business of stress that keeps my mind occupied and away mostly from horrid thoughts. Most of all I miss my daughter whom I spent a wonderful summer with. These weekends she comes home are too short.
Tonight she sent me a text message which started with "I miss u".
then finished with - "and I don't have any school trousers to wear tomorrow I have to wear jeans".
That whole text is so typically her. If you know her, you can hear her saying it. Statements of fact.
It made me sob...and then it made me laugh out loud.
I have started to feel that I have no right to feel this way when she is at such an age but I do not feel any different now than I did when she was that cute six year old. She is still my baby and I want the best life and the least hurt for her. I am so confused and terrified about her having more seizures that it is taking over.
I just wish I could get out of this funk because I feel so sad and I don't know where to place that sadness right now and I don't want to bog people down with it either.
I need to get busy....
actually I think I need that semi circle of tents back again....
Day 109
5 years ago
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1 comment:
Hmmm or a semicircle of interconnected cottages perhaps? Not quite as long to wait for that!
Everyone I speak to at the moment (myself included) seems to have the September Blues. The holidays are so intensely busy, whether you go away or not, that there is no time for the worries to crowd in. At the same time so many of the daily appointments and things don't happen because the therapists and others are on holiday too. Then we get back to some kind of normality and suddenly there's space to think about it all and a whole new list of obligations to squeeze in somehow. Not surprising really but doesn't make it any easier.
Take care
Tia
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